A few months into my self-awareness odyssey, I started consciously paying attention to what I spoke about with others. I learned that it was a reflection of how I spoke to myself. I cringed.
I couldn't bring myself to write a detailed description but if anything, I was unconsciously speaking like I was living at pit’s end. Think Miley Cyrus wrecking ball era—but that was me for the most part in 25 years—emotionally unstable.
My compadres are well acquainted with my capability to rant 100 things about one thing. For a reason that I anxiously foresaw my anxiety—if that even makes sense. It was an endless tunnel of being held back from life’s greatest gift—life itself. I tossed opportunities and thought twice before jumping the gun. Can’t even call that jumping, can I?
The greatest lesson in all this self-awareness journey is learning that when I fall into the unhealthy pattern of mongering anger, the only person that can get me out of it is me. I’ve learned that the trick to this is being honest with oneself about oneself. I’ve learned that self-awareness isn’t an end all be all—and most certainly not a one-weekend sabbatical. It’s a lifelong journey of knowing my non-negotiable and learning to compromise along the way.
I might say this a couple more times as a habit of crummy puns but I’ve learned to understand that there is no Cae 2.0. Simply that I’ve only truly felt like myself. I know this because I now [finally] feel at home with myself. I've learned that at times, I learn about myself through others—and that's alright too.
Admittedly, I’m still learning to take things one day at a time while fully trusting that God’s plans are better than mine. As Fredrick Douglas once said: “No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn't trying." Now that I know better, I couldn’t agree more.
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| "This is another paradox: What is soft, is strong." |
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