New Friends, Cheesy Panini, and Being Myself

22 August 2021

One of the takeaways from Tara Schuster's Buy Yourself The Fucking Lilies was the importance of giving gratitude to what you have and embracing what is yet to come. So here I am, trying to walk the talk and document what has been with a grateful heart. Of course, I can't just copy-paste. Tara wouldn't make sense if I won't be myself.

As an INFJ-A, working from home has done wonders for my mental health. My pursuit of self-awareness has helped me realize that I am in no way a sociable person. I like making a few friends but a handful? Social anxiety alert. Yup, that story is for another time. 

Often when I pray, I always articulate the grace to only acknowledge fruitful and productive relationships. I am no longer held back by the guilt of nourishing relations that don't serve me well. He comes first. Hence, anyone who reminds me otherwise doesn't warrant any energy. I am grateful to find true friends in new friends (Hi T, A, and J). This isn't pride speaking, this is peace talking to you.

My willpower to resist anything carbs and sweets has been downward spiraling since I've had my long overdue dose of medium-well steak. Cheesy Panini, Lasagna, Fast-food chicken, and Chocolate chip cupcakes. It feels like I'm on top of the world and 5 lbs heavier. Yes, this is a gratitude list. 

I've always been so vocal about not keeping tabs on pop culture. I feel like I'm stuck in 2010, at the latest. My mind is still on Hannah Montana, Doctor House, and The OC––like really. I've been blasting my favorite 2000's music the entire week––and of course, never complete without a little bit of The Beatles in between. Perhaps, an old soul she really is.

It's easy to fixate on what could've been and what should've been that I forget to take a pause and give myself a moment to take it all in. In therapy, I'm being taught to be kinder to myself and to remind myself how far I've come. It took me a while to come up with a conclusion: Hell to others who laugh at me for laughing at myself. I'm not Ryan Atwood––I can't be whoever you want me to be. I know who I am and I don't mind if you don't. I am happy I am getting to know you better, self. 

Life isn't just a rollercoaster––it's the whole damn carnival and we're on a pandemic. Work for the prizes and take all the rides. It doesn't matter if they don't get it. Everything at your own pace. Everything with His grace.

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